What to do When You Hate Your Family
The pandemic lifestyle has limited our ability to engage with the real world, and spend time away from home. For many of us, we now spend 24/7 with family members, when we are used to being away at school or work. This is not a normal way of functioning, and can place LOTS of undue stress on family relationships. Especially if there were issues prior to the pandemic, underlying resentment is destined to explode when you see the same person sitting on the same couch, day after day.
This frustration is compounded by financial and psychological stress caused by the pandemic. When unhealthy relationships devolve into emotional or physical abuse, where do you turn? Is it your job to support your parents and siblings, no matter what? Below, I’ve highlighted my five main guidelines when dealing with a toxic family.
1. You are allowed to walk away
Now, I know this isn’t feasible for every situation, especially if you are a minor, or are in a financial bind. However, once you reach 18-years-old, and save up enough funds, you are allowed to leave. You don’t need to subject yourself to abuse and anguish for the sake of family bonds. Listen to your instincts. If your heart is telling you it’s time to go, don’t deny yourself that freedom.
2. You are allowed to set boundaries
Your time is your time. Your space is your space. Your energy is your energy. Nobody is entitled to that, not even your family members. Set specific boundaries in your life to allow for personal time, healing, and restoration. You're not required to heave the emotional burden of your family members’ struggles at every hour of the day.
3. You don’t have to be a savior during every crisis
You are not superman, or a firefighter, or a police officer. Nobody is requiring you to mediate a conflict! Allow yourself to walk away from a situation, and recognize that no amount of labor will instantly mend deep-rooted issues. You don’t have to be on call like a surgeon, 24 hours a day. You are a single person with a limited capacity. Reserve some love and energy for your own self-care.
4. You don’t need to explain your situation
Not everyone is entitled to an explanation of your personal family situation. You don’t need to unpack your mother’s “insane” behavior, or your father’s absence, with every curious acquaintance. These are difficult, deeply vulnerable issues that require a trusting friend’s support. Not everyone will understand your situation, especially if they come from stable homes. You don’t owe anyone a detailed history of your family’s timeline!
5. You don’t need their approval to be successful
Yes, validation is comforting, but it is definitely not necessary to be successful. Your family members may not support your every decision, but you know what’s best for you. Trudge forward into the future, and fight for yourself! A toxic family can weigh you down, and plaster you to an unproductive, monotonous life. Don’t let the burden of their chaos prevent you from thriving.
Overall, family issues are inherently sensitive, and require a different approach in every situation. At the end of the day, make yourself a priority when assessing your relationships. That doesn’t necessarily mean cutting ties with your family (although, it could!). However, productive growth could entail setting new boundaries within yourself, and with those around you. Take care of mind and body, invest in your future, and remember that these seemingly insurmountable obstacles CAN be overcome. And a brighter future lies ahead.
Written By: Brianna Rauchman
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I really appreciate what the girl above me, Sofia, has said. I’m 21 as well and it’s quite hard to move out since I’m dependent on my parents for finances. I, however, cultivated a safe space around myself which gives me peace of mind and happiness.
Thank you for this blog post.
Hey, I agree with you and this was the only thing I want to listen. After parting with my family. This is the most positive and affirmative thing I attend.Totally approve , thanx dear! Your words have power to touch heart ❤️
to the other women who have commented before me (Sarah, idk if both comments are from the same person or they’re different). I’m 21, I still depend on my parents, I have two siblings and they’re all toxic, I totally get what you’re saying about you not being able to leave bc I’m struggling with that as well, but coming from experience you CAN set boundaries when still living with them, maybe not in a respectful easy way (it’d be awesome if it could happen like that but I know it’s not likely), but you can do it. I did it without even talking (I don’t talk to them anyways lol). I just started acting in a way that lets them know I’m not for them to push around, and that I’m not going to let them treat me like trash. I eat separately from them (I make my own food if I have to), I don’t attend family reunions or even casual gather ups, I talk to my parents only when I need money to buy food or personal hygiene stuff, and I try to stay in my room for as long as I can and make it a nice place for me to stay all day. I know not all of us have a room to go to (i didn’t have one 6 months ago), or maybe it’s hard not to hear what they say or argue about (I have my headphones on almost all of the time), but what I’m trying to say is don’t give up. I’ve been suicidal, struggling with depression, anxiety and PTSD for almost 10 years now, and somehow I’ve found a way to find happiness within me, and not feeling like I need them to love me, or even just respect me. Try to keep your distance from them as much as you can, interact with them only when necessary and rely on friends for support. You’re definitely not alone, and there’s a better future ahead, just hold on a little bit more, save money if you can, and find your way to happiness until you can get out of your house. y’all can do it 💕💕 i can do it. We’re getting out of this soon, life will get better, I promise
But you can’t just leave them alone and you know you are their only hope , i owe them anyway even tho they hurt me , but don’t treat them the way they treat you be better , so they understand how things can work
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