My Story With Suicidal Thoughts

As a 6th grader, I began experiencing suicidal thoughts. Due to the death of her mother, my best friend at the time became suicidal. Before she began feeling depressed and sharing these feelings with me, I had no idea what suicide was. 

Upon returning home, I looked into what motivated suicide more deeply. Many young teenagers have committed suicide because they simply could not handle the pain inside. They felt like they didn't belong here. I recognized similar feelings arising within myself.  With an eclectic style and passion for Justin Bieber,  I was instantly a target of bullying. My classmates focused on these two aspects of who I was, and tormented me, despite the fact I minded my business and was very reserved. I became tired of how I was being treated because of my interests and what I wore. 

Alongside my friend, I fell into a hole of depression. My life didn't seem to be meant for greatness. Every day, I felt like I was watching the same movie over and over again. I only had her as a friend. Our dressing style was very classy, which was something the popular girls in our classes couldn't stand. It was always a competition to see who the best was every single day. Never did we give them a reason to dislike us on purpose. The situation simply didn't improve and we became increasingly fed up. 

My friend was so angry when she discovered I felt suicidal along with her. Upon hearing the news, she assured me that I have two parents in my life, and I was never alone. Whenever I fall, I have the support of my family behind me. While there was validity in her argument, it didn’t discount the intense emotions I was feeling.

Due to her mother’s passing, my friend was extremely independent. She had to take care of her younger sister and brother without really any help. I tried to see the positives in her situation, to find meaning in her despair. For instance, these lessons are things that could potentially prepare her for motherhood when she is ready to have her own family. 

Finding hope in her tragic situation, I realized there is no need to remove yourself from this world. All of us were made differently, bringing our own unique qualities to the table. This discovery prompted me to sit down with my stepfather and mother, and tell them how I felt on the inside. Their tender response opened my eyes to how loved I am, and how many people would be upset if I left. Suicide affects more people than just yourself.  Your family and friends will have to live with that loss forever.  

Suicide is not a joke, and it is not the solution to all your problems. There are many people who care about you and love you. And even if you feel alone, you are worthy of love and light in your life. You were created for a reason! For those of you who are feeling suicidal, please call the Suicide Hotline (800-273-8255). The answer is never suicide. It is your right to be here, and things will get better. 

Written by: Audre Arnett

Instagram: @infinityaudreee