Anorexia: Losses Beyond the Scale

TW: Anorexia, Self harm

I wish I could tell people that anorexia is not just about food and weight. 

The restriction doesn’t stop at meal times. It manifests in every aspect of your life. Restricting your health, restricting time spent with the people who love you, restricting the little quirks that make you, you. 

I wish I could tell people that the coldness doesn’t stop at my fingertips, it seeps through my veins, circulating my body and exploding with angry words and a stubborn mind. 

The losses don’t stop at just the weight. You lose friends, you lose trust, hope and freedom. You lose sight of what really matters. Anorexia gives you a tunnel vision, only letting you focus on one thing. Freedom is evasive; it’s in a distant land, as you scavenge a pitch black maze, unsure of where to turn next. 

The guilt doesn’t stop at the food that touches my lips. It comes with everything I do, every person I speak to, every move I make that doesn’t obey anorexia’s rules. It comes with viewing genuine concern and worried expressions as an act against you, rather than for you. 

I wish I could tell people that most scars dwell in my mind, and not just on my arms. The scars of being pinned down, gloved hands shielding your mouth and nose, a plastic tube forcefully draining down your throat. Now I always jump and panic when someone touches me, fingerprints burning my skin, as my mind convinces me that feeling is something to be feared.

So here’s me telling you. Telling you that there is so much more to a person than what you see on the surface. There are bruises, damaged people who are too scared to speak up. Here’s me telling you to always be kind, compassionate and open-minded. There are so many wounds in places people don’t think to look. Here’s me telling you that there is light. Scars fade, light ascends, and a new day shelters the promise of hope. 

Written By: Maegan Lewis

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