Escaping the Chains of Toxic Love

Although my first relationship wasn't technically defined as a relationship, the heartache I endured was real. In the 9th grade, I traveled to hell and back to fight for our bond. My trust issues exploded when I started noticing he would do those "to be honest" comments underneath other girls’ pictures. The words weren't vulgar, but it was still disrespectful because I was supposed to be his girl - his only girl. 

My insecurities lingered in my mind daily because I thought I wasn't good enough for him. I started taking pictures and showing off cleavage in my photos to get his attention. It did get his attention, but it also got the attention of other guys, which wasn't comfortable for me. 

I didn't get into my next relationship until three years later, when I was about to graduate from twelfth grade. My second "boyfriend" was Daniel. He had grills, baggy jeans, and dreads. I can't tell you why I liked him. I think it was because he was my escape from my ex-boyfriend. Being with him was the reassurance that I needed; I knew my ex-boyfriend wasn't going to be my last. I know my thinking was a bit catastrophic, but I was only sixteen. I didn't know what to think then, and I didn't have anyone teaching me this stuff, so it took a while to realize it myself. 

Daniel didn't last for two months. He was Instagram-famous, and all these girls would comment underneath his pics, and he spent half of his day responding to them with heart emojis, even while he was with me. I couldn't understand it. This was the second guy I've been with, and he was playing me the same way as the first. It was very frustrating. I kept thinking that I must have a sign on my forehead asking for disrespect and mistreatment. I thought I was doing something wrong to deserve this. 

The disrespect didn’t end on social media - he was rude to me through text messages. He called me names. He started to seem as if he would be abusive in the future, so I had to let him go, and I’m confident it was for the best. I didn't love him, but he claimed he loved me when he first met me. It seemed toxic, and I couldn't keep letting it go on. He had a double-sided personality that I disapproved of. For some reason, he was so shy and sweet in person, but then over text, he wanted to call me every name in the book. 

I broke up with him right before July of 2018. I was talking to a guy named Isaiah, but we were just friends. We would watch Netflix movies and tv-shows together on a daily basis. He was my comfort during the most challenging time of my life. I didn't expect our friendship to go further than where it was until August came around that year. 

All it took was a few times for him to flirt around with me, and I was putty in his hands. We've been together ever since that August. However, my trust issues are still sneaking around, and my insecurities are simmering in my heart. He has given me a few reasons not to trust him like the other two, and I hate thinking that I’m the cause of these patterns. 

I don't want to be this way anymore, but it's like the feeling won't disappear. I have gained some trust for him over time, but not like I should. I will feel a sense of comfort, and then lose it in a snap. I know it's unhealthy, and my mom always tells me not to be with someone you cannot trust, but what if you can’t trust anyone? 

Out of all my relationships, this is the most real one I've been in. My first two relationships didn't even last a year, but this one feels like it's for me, and I don't want to lose it because I can't trust the person I'm with. Trust issues and insecurities will make someone walk away. I'm lucky that my boyfriend now is walking with me through mine, instead of walking away. 

Written by: Audre Arnett