Doubting Monogamy? You're Not Alone

Man and woman holding hands animated

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, is that all there is? Only one person I’m allowed to kiss? 

When I first started doubting monogamy, I instantly feared I was a bad person. Why can’t I be happy with just one person like everyone else? For most people, the idea of one partner is safe. It gives a person a direct goal, an achievement to unlock. But actively dating someone doesn’t mean that you're satisfied. 

So, why do we even crave monogamy in the first place? 

I’ve been dating one guy for almost three years. We bake, we have “our” Netflix shows, and act insane playing board games. I’m happy with my life, but my imagination is running wild. In my dreams, I find myself kissing girls, hooking up in bathrooms, and staying out until sunrise. I used to punish myself for these thoughts. But I’ve learned that having them, or even acting on them, doesn’t make me a bad person.

What defines me are my promises, and being honest about my feelings makes me a more committed partner. Everyone has doubts about their relationships, but getting butterflies for someone other than your significant other isn’t a bad sign. Liking someone else doesn’t mean you have to break up. Getting crushes on people is just a side effect of being human.  

I’m a bisexual person who has never been with, in any sense, a girl. And despite being in a happy relationship, I’m ashamed of that. There feels like there is a part of myself that’s missing.

So rather than ignore those feelings, I address them. My partner and I have normalized talking to each other about our crushes. For us, breaking down the “crushes” barrier let’s us be more vulnerable with each other. While some people think that having this conversation would make us feel self conscious, it actually leaves me feeling more loved. Having a partner that understands that I have layers of desire is freeing. Being able to say “oh I’m kind of into this other person” takes away the shame of those feelings.  And hearing my boyfriend respond in kind makes me feel closer to him. I feel honored that he trusts me enough to be honest.  

But this isn’t about our partners, this is about us. You’re not a bad person for wanting to be with other people. Being with one person is a societal norm. But desiring others is just part of being human.


Written by: Hannah Morley

Instagram: @HannahZMorley




3 comments


  • Carolyn

    I don’t think I could say it any better than Sam…


  • Sam

    Maybe we should learn to be happy with ourselves instead of outsourcing with multiple relationships, that might be the reason why you’re not happy in your relationship,


  • David B.

    A heartfelt and very well written essay


Leave a comment