“Do I text back?” I ask myself this question at least 10 times a day. After conducting diligent research, and consulting the i-message experts, I compiled a list of texts you should and should not answer. Feel free to screenshot this post to reference during times of need!
“I miss u” -Ex(boyfriend/girlfriend)
This is a tricky one. If you long to simultaneously implode and explode, I recommend answering with an “I miss u 2!” However, if you’d care to preserve a grain of sanity, avoiding your ex is always the right move. Remember, there is a reason things broke off in the first place.
“I LOVEYOU -GMA” -Grandma
Does she have the best grammar? No. Is she trying her best? Absolutely. Please text Grandma back. The space bar is really difficult to master, and she just wants to spread love. And use emojis in your response; she will be thoroughly amused.
“Come downstairs” -Mom
Do not come downstairs. Throw phone out window. Get new ID. Dye hair. Flee country.
“Can you help me with something?” -Dad
Ask specific details of what “something” entails before agreeing. I spent 5 hours building a chair yesterday.
“Wanna come with?” -Sibling
Yes. Always yes. You never want to lose out on those special moments with your sib.
“Heyy girly!” -Pyramid Scheme Girl
Unless you want the FBI knocking at your door, please avoid the pyramid scheme girl at all costs. I promise, this is not the “opportunity you’ve been waiting for”. It is fraud.
“Hey” -Cute Boy/Girl
Respond after 45 minutes so you don’t seem desperate. Or just wait 5 seconds because you don’t play games. Either way, RESPOND!! YOU WON!!
“Can we talk?”-friend/acquaintance
No, we cannot talk. Your ambiguous question has frightened me, and caused me to question every decision I’ve made in the last 10 years. Please try again in 24-48 hours.
“R u up?” -Random Dude
No, you are not up. You are tucked in bed, with your face mask and slippers on. Go to sleep.
I normally reply to this one with a “LMOJAOJOWJOWJOHRWH” or a subtle, yet effective, “ASHFEHFHIDLFNCIGHD”.